The trap (writing edition)

I have fallen victim to the ultimate trap:

‘pfft that looks easy, I could so do that.’

Ever read twilight, a short story, a kid’s book or a mills and boon book, and thought that you could whip up you own version in no time? It would be so easy to just write a bunch of stuff, and bam send it off to be published and collect your money. This week I have found out this isn’t the case.

I have found an e-book site that buys manuscripts that are around 10 000- 15 000 words. They want manuscripts that involve paranormal urban fantasy romance. Immediately i started writing my own without much thought. After about 7000 words i became burnt-out and realised that my characters weren’t even good enough to be called cardboard cut-outs. Most of what i had written was stale and cliche. I had wasted all this time writing 7000 words that are probably unsalvageable. I could have instead thought about it for a while, put in more effort and gotten half as many words that were quality. But i didn’t.

Here’s a quick list of things i learnt:

- short stories of this length are a great way to practice writing before jumping into an entire novel. But just because they aren’t that dream novel you have in mind does not mean you can give them sub-standard attention. Everything you write, no matter the brief or purpose, should be given your full attention. You have no chance of improving if you don’t give it your best effort

- a million other people have had the same get published quick idea as you. At first these short stories might seem like a dream, and in many ways they are. Just remember you are not the only person who has the idea and the ability to write a 10000- 15 000 word story. In fact there is more competition in this length of manuscript because it is not as daunting as an entire novel. Editors pour through stacks of these manuscripts everyday, if yours doesn’t stand out then it will probably go on the rejection pile.

- if you’re not into it, no one else will be. How can you expect to write what you consider to be junk and have people love it. Writer’s should care about their characters, have a feel for them. Especially in this short word count, there has to be an emotional punch to the story. You can never reach that if you don’t spend time thinking, planning and developing characters.

- Arrogance will get you nowhere. How many people have you met who have said ‘twilight is so simple and uncreative. I totally could have written that.’ now, how many of them have actually gone on to write a book as successful? Not many, I am willing to wager. Going around, touting your own brilliance will get you nowhere fast. Instead of critiquing other’s work, it is many times more prudent to critique your own. Remember, no one likes people who are up themselves

So that’s what i learnt this week. Thankyou to all my non-existent readers.

P.S I know I am a giant hypocrite for telling people not to rip on other people’s work when below i have a giant twilight rant. Just think of me as two people: Struggling author, and bitchy, big-headed dick who watches margaret and david and draws moustaches and devil horns on Robert Patterson Pictures.

The Puppy vs. The Broom

Because I am just like most other animal owners, I am obsessed with my dog, Luna. So when she decided to take on a poor, innocent broom, rather than yelling or taking it off her, I sat back, and made my sister take photos.

I present you with The puppy vs. The Broom:

And Just because i want you to know she’s not always destructive, but sometimes cute…..

Theory No. 3

Theory: Keith Allen is secretly Billy Joel. Don’t know who Keith Allen is? Well he plays the Sheriff on BBC’s TV version of Robin Hood, he is also father of lily Allen. Don’t know who Billy Joel is? May God have mercy on your soul…

Billy Joel:

Keith Allen:

Coincidence? I dont think so….

What happened to Nelly Furtardo?

When did she go from “I’m like a bird” to “I’m like a skank”

Theory No.2

Theory: Some people, no matter how old they get, will never be able to pull off facial hair.

Daniel Radcliffe:

Elijah Wood

Theory No.1

Theory: All Pandas are actually People in Panda Suits

Discuss

Everything I know I learnt From Dr. Karl

This man is almost a god to me

Sure his shirt has cherries on it, and there is a deranged look in his eyes, but this man IS SMART.

You know how people can qualify any random facts they come out with by saying “I saw it on mythbusters”?

Well in my house ( and I am sure many others) there’s another phrase that shuts skeptics up. “Trust me, I read it in a Dr.Karl book,” is just as good as saying, “trust me I have a science degree in physics and maths, a masters degree, AND am a doctor of medicine” (NB Dr.Karl has all these qualifications).

Here’s a list of some Dr.karl facts for anyone who wants to appear smart without actually being smart:

- you DON’T get stomach ulcers from stress

-a species of frog known as ‘ the concave-eared Torrent frog’ can hear/ communicate using ultrasound

- some snowflakes ARE identical. In 1988 a scientist named Nancy Knight collected snowflakes on an oiled covered glass slide. Two of them were identical under a microscope

-The light bulb that has been giving light the longest is in a fire station in California. Besides black outs, it has been continuously glowing since 1901

-Muscle does not turn into fat if you stop lifting weights/ exercising etc. Muscle and fat cells are completely different.

-Paper CAN be folded more than 7 times. A girl in America did it 13 times. It just needs to be really thin and long.

-The earth gets heavier by about 40 000 tonnes a year. the cause? cosmic dust.

haven’t had enough of Dr.Karl yet? check out this (disturbing?) song he recorded. It’s called ‘Get Fact’:

-LINK-

Why Twilight Sucks more than the Magic of Potter

First of all I would like to say I HAVE READ AND OWN BOTH. Also this is my opinion. I like Harry Potter better than Twilight. deal.

1. EDWARD vs. HARRY

Edward is perfect. I know this because Stephenie Meyer says it a million times. She shoves it down my throat. The problem is, she TELLS me he is perfect without ever SHOWING me it.

Sure he is able to *cough* “[unleash] the full, devastating power of his eyes.”

On top of that he is “Interesting… and brilliant… and mysterious… and perfect… and beautiful… and possibly able to lift full-sized vans with one hand.”

Wow. I love how Meyer fails to describe him as a personality-less stalker, who is so perfect and 2-D he has no hope at being developed as a character. Seriously, this is a boy who likes to smell hair and watch people sleep.

The only “flaw” Edward has is that horrible vampire-ism of his. He apparently has trouble controlling himself.

“Edward hesitated to test himself, to see if this was safe, to make sure he was still in control of his need. And then his cold, marble lips pressed very softly against mine.”

May I say LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMME. This flaw is imaginary. Edward never kills someone in front of Bella. He never sucks her blood because he can’t help himself. He is a Vampire without any vampire bad-ass- ness. Even when Bella bleeds in front of him *see New Moon* he resists. How can I believe/ be in suspense that he might succumb to his apparently uncontrollable desires if HE NEVER ONCE DOES ANYTHING TOO VAMPIREY. Oh no we can;’ have him act like a real vampire. That would give him an interesting quality. It would add another dimension to the story with ACTUAL suspense rather than FAKE suspense. It might make him *gasp* a three dimensional character.

Now, on to Harry.

First of all I know Harry isn’t perfect. But at least he is BELIEVABLE. He has a crap family, and, a lot of the time, a crap life. Yet he isn’t that easily defeated. Sure he whinges * see book five when no one is telling him anything, and then RON OF ALL PEOPLE gets prefect instead of him* but his whinging has NOTHING on the emo, self-pitying whining of Bella Swan. Harry isn’t the smartest person in his class. He has strengths: Quidditch, magical blood, cool stories to tell, and scars to show people. AND weakness: a bit of an ego, a hero-complex, and even being blinded by hate ( the million times he accuses Snape wrongly).

Harry can relate to us. He wears glasses and isn’t devastatingly, beyond-belief, impossibly gorgeous. He has proper friends, lots of enemies, and a smart mouth. Even though he lives in a fantasy world where people can do magic, and get to ride broomsticks, the average person can identify with him. How many people, really, have the qualities of Edward Cullen?

“BUT,” you say, ” he isn’t a person, he is a vampire…” To that I say THAT SHOULDN’T MATTER. Harry is a wizard. A WIZARD. and we relate to him. He is a fleshed-out character. Edward is nothing more than half- thought out teen desires and bad fanfic.

2. BELLA SWAN IS A LIAR:

Harry Potter is many things, but he isn’t a liar. Bella Swan tells so many fibs about herself that even the reader starts to believe them.

QUOTE: I do a good job of blocking painful, unnecessary things from my memory.

WHAT??? *does double take* that is a flat out lie. When Edward leaves Bella in book two, it is so OTT that there are pages which only have the name of the month written on them. The effect is meant to show that Bella is so in love with Edward she does nothing but cry/ die inside for months when he leaves. NOTHING ELSE.

Might I mention that no matter how hard life is for Harry ( you know the world’s most evil wizard trying to kill him, his parents dead, his god father dead, his head master dead, for goodness sake even his OWL dead) he does not break down and do absolutely nothing for months. Nor does he indulge in over-dramatic SELF-CENTRED moaning that brings down every one around him for long periods of time.

It’s like Meyer has created the anti- feminist in Bella. She may only think about Edward. If she is not with him, her life is over. Bo-hoo, go do something worthwhile like be top of your class ( Hermione), be a kick- arse, strong, sportswoman (Ginny), or true individual, rather than the fake one you claim to be, (Luna).

Quote from Bella Swan in Twilight: “I couldn’t allow him to have this level of influence over me. It was pathetic. More than pathetic, it was unhealthy” Really? I’m so glad you stuck to your guns on this one. * scoffs*

The only thing that could possibly fulfill Bella is Edward. there is NO LIFE without that man of hers. She will be tied down to a man forever without ever aspiring for things other than him. She doesn’t want to go to college, have a career, live a human life. She just wants to become a vampire and follow the Cullens everywhere. “I was with Edward. Forever.” YAWN.

The biggest thing she lies about is about how “awkward”, “unattractive”, “clumsy” and “lonely” she is. These are her supposed flaws. It’s a pity they don’t exist. If Bella is so undesirable why do a vampire, a shape shifting hot wolf, and several of her class mates fall madly in love with her? She whines when she isn’t accepted, and then whines even more when too many people ask her out.

If I went to school with Bella, I’d hate her. If I went to school with Harry Potter i would get a picture with him and try to make his trio a foursome.

3. THE WIZARDS IN HARRY POTTER ARE REAL WIZARDS. THE VAMPIRES IN TWILIGHT AREN’T REAL VAMPIRES

Stephenie Meyer changes vampire lore to remove any plot/ character development and to make it easy on herself. It’s lame and unappreciated.

- the vampires in twilight apparently don’t have fangs. Probably because they aren’t sexy. There’s no reason for this omission.
- the vampires in twilight sparkle in the sun. This a self-indulgent excuse for purple prose, and inane descriptions about just how beautiful vampires are. It also is a convenient way of having the vampires go to school and letting Bella ALWAYS be saved even when it’s daytime. Just another thing that ruins the suspense of the novel.
- The cullens were never REALLY going to eat Bella. Even when they swarmed on her in New moon I didn’t care. it was just not going to happen. They are un-vamp. It’s FAKE temptation I swear. Just once I would have liked to see Emmet jump a human and suck them dry.
-OF COURSE BELLA WANTS TO BE A VAMPIRE! THEY HAVE NO BAD SIDE! sure they’re are token baddies, but really, vamps are made out to be goody- two shoe, plastic “vegetarians”.
- Meyer is so confused about Vamps that she makes up bogus plot devices that logically shouldn’t happen. HOW THE FUCK DOES BELLA GET PREGNANT? for that matter how does Edward have sex? I don’t mean to sound crude, but this one really annoys me. Vampires don’t have blood, it’s why they are pale, it’s why they don’t have heart beats. So how does a vamp get an erection? And if he isn’t alive, how has he been producing that oh-so-potent vamp sperm? IT’S JUST STUPID
-On a similar note I would like to point out vamps can smell blood. So how come Edward doesn’t even notice/ mention/ go crazy/ eat Bella when she has her period? a messy question, but an important one.

At least when JK makes wizarding rules, she sticks to them. If you’re dead you’re dead. Magic doesn’t solve everything conveniently. the otherside has the exact same tricks up their sleeve. There are consequences for your actions like Azkaban. Wizards aren’t good at everything. E.g Harry can’t do divination and Voldy doesn’t have the magical power of love. The wizards use wands, live secret lives and have limits. Plot evolves naturally and consistently and JK usually doesn’t throw in too many Dues ex machinas.

4. PLOT

harry potter has one. Twilight Doesn’t.

5. LESSONS

Harry Potter teaches people the power of love, redemption, bravery, friendship, sacrifice, and hard work. It exults the power of choice as Harry is consistently allied with Voldy and consistently chooses to do the right thing.

Twilight teaches girls that they can be dull, emo, self-centred and annoying and will get the perfect man. It also teaches girls that the perfect man exists, rather than delving into people as whole/ complex beings. Feminism doesn’t just get pushed aside in this book. It is murdered. There is no sense of Bella as having any of her own ambition. She is just a lame damsel in distress who is, for some unknown reason, idolised.

HMMM… that was longer than I expected

NaNoWriMo

Don’t know what NaNoWriMo is? If you’re a budding writer this site is invaluable. NaNoWriMo stands for the National Novel Writing Month. Every November thousands of writer’s ( both professional and amateur) join up. The aim: to write 50 000 words in a month. It’s a site that provides support, connection to like-minded people and a kick up the pants for procrastinators

Here’s a Link

Introducing

So I have two other posts that dive straight into things, without mentioning anything about the person writing them. I am a 20 year old, Australian student who really wants to be a writer, but who is content to type her way across the internet. My blog has so far not been read by anyone. I really hope this changes.

P.S this is a link to my friend’s blog. she is witty and wonderful. You should read her stuff.